Why I Didn't Tell My Parents

You love your child and did the best you could to create a safe and loving home for them when they were growing up. You hoped they would be able to come to you with any problems or needs they had. And yet, now that they’re an adult, you’ve learned that they experienced sexual assault or abuse when they were young. You may be wondering how this could be true, how you couldn’t have known, and why they didn’t tell you when it was happening. You're likely feeling a range of emotions, from sadness to anger to disbelief.

You are not alone. Many parents find themselves in the same situation you’re in now. It doesn’t mean you were a bad parent. It doesn’t mean you failed your child. Sometimes, despite all of our best efforts, the dynamics involved in sexual abuse circumvent good parenting and overpower a child’s ability to tell someone they love. It’s not your fault. Sexual abuse doesn't happen because we fail to prevent it; it happens because people intent on harming children choose to commit it.

Why It's So Hard To Tell

Sexual assault and abuse are nearly always committed amid a veil of secrecy and shame that the offender has purposely created. Most adults who sexually harm a child take the time to make sure the child, their family, and the community like and trust them. When the child trusts this person, it’s easier to introduce inappropriate or abusive behavior to the child. When the parents/family trusts them, it’s easier to gain and maintain access to the child. When the larger community trusts them, it’s easier to avoid any suspicion. (This is commonly called “grooming” and is a form of deliberate manipulation of trust). When abusive behavior is introduced to the child, the offender infuses rules about keeping the abuse secret, which usually include some kind of direct or indirect threat. (“No one will believe you.” “You’ll get in trouble if anyone finds out.” “I’ll hurt your dog if you tell anyone”). The offender may also utilize positive reinforcement to keep the child compliant, such as buying them gifts or taking them on fun outings.

Most children who experience sexual abuse are harmed by someone they already know, trust, or even love. This makes the abusive behavior more difficult for the child to identify as abuse (i.e., “he’s a family friend, so this must be okay”). Young children, especially, often lack the knowledge to understand what sexual abuse is, so when the abusive behavior happens, they’re often made to believe that the behavior is normal for that kind of relationship (i.e. “this must just be what uncles do”). Even then, however, the offender emphasizes secrecy in order to ensure the child does not tell anyone.

In cases where a child is sexually assaulted once, whether by someone they know or by a stranger, it may still be difficult for them to tell someone. The child is likely to feel confusion and shame about what happened to them, and they may feel that it’s their fault and that they’ll get in trouble if they tell. And, as with prolonged abuse, the offender may have threatened the child to keep quiet. Most children are not taught to speak openly about their bodies or bodily autonomy. Sexual behavior and the notion of consent are rarely talked about within families, so children often lack the words to describe what’s happened to them and/or they feel it’s not something that can be talked about with anyone.

Why I Didn't Tell My Parents When It Happened

I grew up with two loving parents in a stable, rural home where my needs were met. We never talked about sex, bodily autonomy, consent, or safety. The only education I received was “don’t talk to strangers.” When the occasional news story would come across our TV screen about a child being abducted or abused, my mother, who had a feisty personality, would say, “If that ever happened to my kid, I would kill that SOB.” While her reaction to a news story didn’t affect me at the time, it was something I tucked away for later reference. All of this was very common in the era of my youth (the 1980s), and much of it is still common today.

When I was seven years old, my family and I stayed with relatives while on vacation. Being the youngest and the smallest, I slept on the couch in the living room while everyone else slept in bedrooms. An older cousin got up before dawn each morning and he molested me on the couch before leaving for work. I was told to be quiet while it was happening so as not to wake anyone, that we were having fun, and that it was just for us so I couldn’t tell anyone. While I felt afraid at night, the daytime was fine because I was always with my parents. When the vacation was over, I never saw that cousin again, and I never told anyone about what happened.

When I was twelve years old, I had a crush on an older neighbor down the road who was friends with my brother. Despite being several years older than me, he took an interest in me and made me feel grown-up. After several months of hanging out with him and my brother together, there was a day I was home alone. He invited me into his house, where both he and his father sexually assaulted me. I felt responsible, deeply ashamed, and terrified of the dad, who was at least as old as my own father. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell my mom what had happened. (Part of me wanted her to magically just know without me having to tell her). I felt unable to tell, almost as though it was physically impossible. It was mostly fear and shame that kept me quiet, but tucked inside was also my mother’s reaction to those news stories about children being abused. I didn’t want my mom to kill anyone. I didn't want her to be mad at anyone, especially me.

When I Finally Told My Parents

I’ve never told my parents about my cousin molesting me. I don’t know why - maybe because it involves part of the family we never see anymore, or because it happened so long ago, or because the memory of it was overshadowed by the assault when I was twelve. I did finally tell them about that assault, nearly 30 years after it happened. I had dealt with it off and on in therapy, and I reached a point where I needed for them to know. I felt like I was hiding something important about myself, and I didn’t want to hide anymore. If I could tell them, then I would feel freed from this suffocating feeling of secrecy I'd been carrying for so long.

I didn’t tell them everything. For instance, I did not tell them that the father also assaulted me, mostly because I hadn't personally dealt with that part of the assault yet. Although they wanted to know exactly what happened, I didn't share any details with them, both because I didn't want them to be hurt by the details, and because I didn't feel able to speak about them. I told them enough for them to understand the basics of what I’d experienced. Doing so was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it was also a tremendous relief.

They reacted as I expected them to. My mom did all the talking. She expressed sorrow that it happened to me, and she wished I had been able to tell her and my dad at the time. She questioned how she was unable to detect that something was wrong. She also reinforced her reaction to those news stories from years prior. When I said that I wish I could’ve told them so they could’ve helped me and we could maybe have reported it to the police, she said, “Oh, there would’ve been no police. We would’ve taken care of it.” That statement made me feel that perhaps I made the right decision by not telling them at the time. (I wouldn't want my mother, or anyone's mother, to be in a position that they felt they must murder someone). My dad, who is naturally soft-spoken, was very quiet during my disclosure. My mom has since passed away, and although my dad and I see each other at least once a week and have a good relationship, we’ve never talked about it since. I honestly don’t know what he thinks or how he feels about it. Sometimes I regret that he knows because I feel like I’ve hurt him with the knowledge that someone sexually assaulted his little girl.

How I Feel as a Parent, Daughter, and Survivor

As the parent of a (now adult) daughter myself, I grappled with how best to raise her knowing how easily sexual assault and abuse is experienced by children of all ages. I didn't want to smother her or be a "helicopter mom," but I also didn't want her to experience what I did. I hope I gave her much more knowledge than I had growing up, as well as the feeling that she can tell me anything at any age, no matter how difficult, without fear or shame. When she became an adult, I told her that I am a survivor so she would know that I understand how it happens, that it’s never the victim’s fault, and that a person can heal and even thrive after experiencing sexual assault or abuse.

As both a survivor and a parent, the hardest thing for me to accept is that my daughter may have already experienced something bad (or will yet experience something), and she feels she can't tell me about it. Fear and shame are incredibly powerful motivators in any context. All I can do is demonstrate unconditional love and acceptance, and hope that's just as powerful.

As both a survivor and a daughter of loving parents, the hardest thing for me to accept is that I can't change reality. I can't erase the trauma I experienced, and I can't go back in time and make my younger self tell someone. I also can't take away whatever my parents felt/feel about what happened to me after learning about it. Just as I must accept that the assault was not my fault, I must accept that it is also not my responsibility how my parents chose to react to the knowledge of it.

Not all survivors feel this way about their parents for a variety of valid reasons, but I still love my parents. I've never felt that what happened to me was in any way their fault or that they failed to protect me. I don’t blame them for not teaching me about consent and bodily autonomy. (There's no guarantee that such knowledge would have prevented what I experienced). They genuinely believed they were raising my brother and me in safety, that the evils of the world couldn’t touch our little corner. They raised me the way they had been raised. Their generation did not talk openly about sex, sexual assault, or abuse in the way generations now are beginning to. They were a product of their upbringing, their generation, and their understanding of parenting and the world around them. That's true of all of us.

In many ways, I feel incredibly fortunate to have parents who loved me at all. Too many children are abused in the home by the very adults who are supposed to love and nurture them. I've often said that the only reason I survived those first few years following my assault is because I had a loving home in which to escape and retreat. That is entirely a credit to my parents. Even though I couldn't tell them what happened to me, they gave me a foundation where I felt safe and loved, and that is everything.

How to Help Your Child (and Yourself) Now That You Know

First of all, know that it's okay to feel what you're feeling. Anytime we learn that a loved one - but especially our child - has been harmed by someone, it's understandable to have a strong emotional reaction. It's also common to want to deny that the abuse happened, and to feel angry at your child for not telling you when it happened. You deserve support to help you to navigate your feelings and what to do about them. It can help to talk about the situation with a therapist or in a support group. Don't hesitate to seek out these resources.

Secondly, resist the temptation to pepper your adult child with questions about what happened to them. They will tell you what they want and need you to know, if and when they are ready. The best way to support your child is by being calm, open, and available to them. You don't want them to feel that they have to take care of you. You may have confusion or doubts about some of the things they've told you, but it's important that they know you believe them. Most survivors are afraid of not being believed when they disclose past abuse, and if that fear comes true, it can cause them emotional harm.

Third, ask your adult child how you can best support them now that they've told you. Sometimes, just being able to tell you is all they need. Other times, they may want you to say or do something specific to support them. If the offender is someone in the family or otherwise known to you, ask your child how (if at all) they want you to interact with that person going forward. You may want to confront the offender directly, but doing so may cause distress to your child. Follow your son or daughter's lead in terms of how they'd like you to respond.

Lastly, please do not tell other family members or acquaintances what your child has shared with you, unless they specifically request that you do so. You may want others to know, but you should honor your child's wishes, with one important exception: If you know that the offender has access to children today, you need to report this to the authorities. Calmly talk with your son or daughter about why this important. It doesn't mean they have to press charges against the offender, but it does mean that the authorities should be made aware of a possible risk to children who currently are or may be in the presence of the offender. Just because your son or daughter's abuse happened in the past doesn't mean the offender or their behavior with children has changed. Most adult offenders keep abusing children until or unless they are stopped via the criminal justice system.

Healing and Thriving Are Possible!

It likely took a lot of courage for your son or daughter to tell you about the abuse they experienced as a child. Although you may be feeling sad and angry, please also take a moment to be proud of your child - both for having the courage to tell you, and for all that they've done to survive and get to this point. If they've experienced troubles in their life since the abuse, now you have a better understanding of why. Sexual assault and abuse are unfortunately incredibly common, and survivors often face many obstacles and challenges from the trauma. Common challenges include mental health issues, relationship problems, academic struggles, and substance use or addiction. If your son or daughter struggled with any of these things and you gave them a hard time about it, forgive yourself for not knowing at the time what you know now. With time, patience, compassion, and access to supportive resources, healing and thriving are always possible.

Because sexual assault and abuse are so common, you may have experienced abuse sometime in your past as well. Learning about your adult child's past victimization may bring up traumatic feelings and sensations from what you experienced. This is a normal reaction, but it can be very stressful. You deserve access to support as much as your child does. Healing and thriving are possible for you, too.

Whatever your experience has been, it's difficult to learn that your son or daughter experienced abuse as a child. Give yourself the same patience and compassion you give them, and don't be afraid to ask for help. You will get through this, too.