The Impact of Common Phrases and Jargon in Supporting Survivors of Sexual Abuse and Trafficking

Recently, during Ohio State University Medicine Survivor Patient Panel discussion with first-year medical students, the topic of these common statements arose. Many students confessed to being instructed to recite these phrases to individuals they suspect have endured sexual abuse. While their intentions are undoubtedly compassionate, the danger lies in the mechanical delivery of these words, devoid of true emotional resonance.

As a survivor myself, I've pondered whether I've grown accustomed to these phrases, perhaps even dismissing their original intent. Do I subconsciously accept them as obligatory niceties rather than genuine expressions of support? And if so, have they lost their efficacy in providing comfort and validation? Depending on my mindset and the situation, these phrases can cause my stomach to tighten and a confused expression on my face, as if I become more focused on the person’s intention, rather than the proper thing to say.

After sharing my story at conventions or seminars, people want to connect and ask questions, but they tend to start by saying, “I am sorry you went through this,” and after hearing it many times, am I creating a barrier or a numbness to protect myself? Sometimes, I feel these phrases are more for the person saying them than for myself, as usually this statement follows with the person sharing their story. It can become overwhelming because confusion of being the sharer and caregiver blur.

Moreover, have these phrases morphed into linguistic minefields, where missteps can inadvertently offend or alienate survivors? Are they laden with a veneer of political correctness, tinged with trauma informed niceties, or masking genuine connection with hollow rhetoric?

To gain insights, I turn to the voices of survivors, researchers, and therapists who navigate this complex terrain daily.

Melanie Sachs Barton: “The pity part, ‘I'm so sorry,’ is the hardest part for me to receive. It has been 20 years since my victimization and sorry just doesn't resonate with me, because honestly, I've been able to do so much GOOD on my journey and with my story as a survivor, I don't feel sorry anymore (or never really did) most days since it happened to me. Because, I have been used in incredible ways to help others from the beginning, and that is all I ever wanted if it had to happen, I wanted to use my pain for purpose to help others. I value, ‘You're not alone’ in a positive way. I have heard this statement, most and first, from other survivors in the darkest of days and nights, so it does resonate with me in a powerful way. But I can see the other side, as a survivor hearing, "You're not alone," I would be tempted to say back, ‘But I actually was ALONE when the abuse was happening and felt quite alone in the minutes, hours, and even weeks after it had happened for the first time.’ ‘It's not your fault’ hits me in a completely different way, in the sense of having to really come to terms with this statement within myself at my core, in my own mind, body and soul. It was not helpful to hear this from others, especially early on my healing journey because I was still so stuck in the shame which linked directly to self-blame. So, I needed to free myself, lean into this truth, before I could truly believe it coming from others.

Dr. Viktor Paul Giangrasso: “To me these three statements are very dependent on the intentions of who is speaking them and can be context specific.  ‘I am so sorry you experienced this,’ works if the energy is from compassion and not obligation.  As a survivor myself, I am quite in tune with what a person’s intentions are from tone of voice, level of eye contact, and body language.  ‘You are not alone’ can feel minimizing as a stand-alone statement.  It is empowering only if followed with, ‘I had a similar experience and I am willing to share if that would provide support.’  Otherwise, I don’t feel it is helpful.  ‘It’s not your fault.’ carries the assumption that the survivor believes it is their fault.  I would only say this to someone who clearly communicated that they felt it was.”  

Brandon Green: “If someone genuinely said the phrase from their heart, I would appreciate it. If it came across as disingenuous, I would not appreciate it.”

Wendy Jensen: “My first reaction is that these comments immediately separate the listener from the speaker. In other words, suddenly, as a survivor, I feel even more alone, almost stigmatized, made different, set apart because of my experiences. It's not a good feeling -- it's a signal, for me, to end the conversation and move away (which I'm guessing might actually be the intent of the speaker).

“I KNOW it's not my fault, who would bring up the idea of responsibility? This is only appropriate in the context of a therapy session where the patient is deeply struggling with a sense of guilt that they can't escape.”

Gigi Kilroe: “I actually appreciate when someone responds like that.”

Dale Lykins: “While I understand someone’s needs to respond to hearing about my childhood sexual abuse in ways that feel comforting to them, the reality is these phrases make me feel dismissed in a way. They are inauthentic. It seems as if the person attempting to offer care really doesn’t understand the complexity of the effects of abuse. They may be trying to help themselves feel better more than the survivor.”

Mandy Meloon: “It honestly depends on who I am sharing my story with and the context. If I am triggered or in a panic mode, I do not find it helpful at all. Not because of what is being said. Usually the person is uncomfortable, avoids eye contact, will change the subject because they don’t understand, or what you are saying is just too horrifying. It makes me wish I never answered honestly when I am asked, ‘If I’m ok to share my story.’”

Becky Perkins: “I have felt different about these phrases being said to me at different points in my healing journey. I did not disclose until I was an adult, many years after my victimization. When I did disclose, I felt very vulnerable and was seeking acceptance, or validation, from others. So, when I first disclosed and for a while afterwards, these phrases were comforting to me, especially if they were said sincerely. Today, I don’t find them to be especially comforting or helpful.”

Brandon Green: “Granted I have thicker skin than most, but these do not automatically annoy or offend me. If it comes off as a platitude, it is annoying or offensive.”

Wendy Jensen: “I might have already answered above....feeling set apart, suddenly feeling almost belittled....especially the more I learn the percentages of how many people have had adverse childhood experiences, oh my goodness. I heard all of them.....the worst type of this kind of sentence was, ‘Oh, I see -- damaged goods.’ I know the words are different, but my reaction isn't that different. That says a lot, I think.” 

Gigi Kilroe: “It feels like they are truly expressing some empathy for what I have experienced.”

Dale Lykins: “The person saying those phrases likely does not know me. I was actually alone. I had no adults in my life who were watching out for my best interests. There was no one to turn to. Consequently, I relied on myself to make it through. I developed ways to cope. I was resilient, even as a young child. Nothing I went through was my fault, but fault wasn’t what I dealt with. It was shame.”

Becky Perkins: “I am in a much healthier space today than even just a few years ago, so today, I find these phrases – when said to or applied to me directly – to be kind of irritating. I don’t so much mind 'I am so sorry you experienced this.' (I’m not seeking sympathy, but this still seems to be an appropriate thing to say). But the phrases 'You’re not alone' and 'It’s not your fault' strike me as almost patronizing at this point in my life. By now, I know that I’m not alone and that it’s not my fault. I don’t need to be told those things. But I also realize that some survivors need to be reminded of these things, sometimes for the rest of their lives, which is okay, and someone who doesn't know me well can’t read my mind."

Wendy Jensen: “‘I can't imagine what that must have been like.’ ‘Beyond listening, lending my ear and my heart, my friend, tell me what I can do to help.’ ‘You are an amazing person and I'm proud to know you.’ ‘If you want to, tell me more. I am here with you.’"

Gigi Kilroe: “I think now because I have come so far along in my journey, I truly, truly do appreciate it when someone says not only ‘I am so sorry you experienced this’… But ‘I think it’s wonderful that you’ve been able to take what you have been through and are now able to help others.’”

Dale Lykins: “I want someone to say to me, ‘What you experienced was terrible. No one should ever go through that. You were so strong. I am so glad you made it through.’”

Mandy Meloon: “Not everyone is equipped to handle or hear such trauma or heavy emotions. It has taken me a long time to find really safe people I can communicate with and to be ok when they are not. When a person recognizes that I am not ok and just lets me be and express how I’m feeling in the moment with no judgement. Most of the time I am suffering in silence, and I just want to appear normal and not freak people out. Those who are survivors of trauma can relate.”

Becky Perkins: “Whenever you’re speaking with someone about something difficult – sexual assault/abuse or the death of a loved one, for example – I think there is power in acknowledging that there are no words that can adequately convey the true awfulness of it, and that sometimes, what we need most is for the person in front of us to just be present and not speak at all. So, for me, I think what is most helpful is something like, ‘I don’t know what to say, other than I’m sorry this happened. If you want to talk, I’m here to listen.’ I also appreciate it when someone thanks me for trusting them to disclose, because revealing that about myself is a sign that I trust them and value their connection with me.”

Gigi Kilroe: “It truly means more to me when I hear those things from a friend or a fellow survivor. Unfortunately, I had a negative medical experience after my rape in college… The first doctor that I saw was very cold, and that whole experience made it just so much worse. Thankfully the nurse in the emergency room escorted him out and brought in a different doctor. The second doctor was very kind. But the experience with that first doctor definitely added to the trauma.”

Dale Lykins: “Yes. Another survivor likely knows all the aspects of the abusive experience. They are aware of the grooming and the manipulation that is part of the relationship between abuser and victim. They know firsthand the power difference that exists. Another survivor has the right to speak in such knowing intimate ways because they do know.”

Mandy Meloon: “It is the sincerest for me when another survivor says these things to me. This isn’t a club you want to be a part of. They understand because it happened to their mind, body, and spirit too. Some things you can have empathy for and others you cannot truly understand unless it is experienced. Survivor to survivor support is vital for me. A lot of the time I feel people, even with the best intentions, are just trauma tourists. I’ll give you an example. I feel like when people ask what happened to me or I tell them my story, it is like a car wreck. They have the best intentions of not only helping but being the hero. They pull out a body and it’s in pieces. They wished that they had never stopped at all. That’s the look in most people’s eyes when all I have said was that I was raped as a child. When I see this, I want to save them from ME. It immediately reverses into me taking care of them because they made my trauma about how they couldn’t handle it. I’m taking care of you now and I feel even more shame because I am not like ‘normal’ people. It is exhausting.  At 43, I learned to keep my check-ins with trained professionals and really safe people.”

Becky Perkins: “The short answer: Yes, there’s a difference. I would expect a friend (who knows me) to use more nuanced and personalized language with me than someone else would. I would expect another survivor (whether they know me or not) to use language conveying that they ‘get it’ to some extent. And I would expect a professional (who doesn’t know me at all) to use more general phrases like these.

 "The long answer: I am a professionally trained victim advocate. When I went through training (more than 20 years ago), I was taught to say these exact phrases. ‘I’m so sorry’ is meant to convey empathy for what the survivor has been through, and ‘You’re not alone’ and ‘It’s not your fault’ are meant to proactively address two very common and very real fears/concerns that survivors have, especially if they were recently victimized. I think these phrases are generally okay to say in situations where the professional has very little context to work from and/or will be interacting with the survivor for a brief period of time. But I think the most helpful way to approach these issues – whether the person is a friend, another survivor, or a professional – is to read the room, so to speak. Pay attention to what the survivor is telling you and how they are saying it. For example, if the survivor is expressing anger at the offender for what they did, then they probably don’t need to be told, ‘it’s not your fault’ in that moment. Pay attention to the survivor’s energy, the phrases they are using, and their body language. And if you say something that the survivor doesn’t like, quickly and sincerely apologize, then move forward.”