Circles > Lines

Our culture feeds us the ideology that things have an order. “If you do this, the result will be that.” There is a path from A to Z, and if you just follow it you will arrive. I am not sure why this is status quo, because in my experience so few things in life work this way. Most of my life has been more like seasons. There is no perpetual summer or winter, just constant change, and this back and forth between hot and cold. I don’t leave autumn to arrive at spring, end of story. I get to spring and before I know it, it is autumn again.

Life is not linear, it’s cyclical. I would be a lot less hard on myself if I could fully grasp this and kill the notion of ever “arriving” wherever it is I think I am supposed to be.

Will I arrive at understanding? I have! I have also been left with questions for which I will never have answers, both old and new.

Will I arrive at forgiveness? I have! I have also functioned from a place of resentment without even being able to name what was going on in me, or why sometimes some of the people I love make me want to scream just by being themselves.

Will I arrive at healing? I have! I have also had old wounds triggered open, resulting in my acting out in ways I thought were totally behind me, and new wounds to try and navigate caring for.

I am forever arriving while never being done traveling. I am scar tissue and flesh wound. I am winters death and springs rebirth. Light and dark. Joy and suffering. Everything all at once over and over until I close my eyes here and open them on the other side.

Original artwork by Brooks Decker

About the Author

Brooks Decker is a survivor, writer, artist, and mental health professional in Jacksonville, Florida.

Published by SurvivorSpace, an initiative of Zero Abuse Project.