Because I Love You, I Can Go Back For Her

It’s been 19 years since the world brought me into the arms of a psychopath. Running from the fire into the brimstone. 19 years since I revisited the girl I was then. I left her there, all those years back, abandoned her in the cigarette stench of the hallways with the juice-stained carpets. She’s just been waiting there, brown halter top, hoop earrings, tiptoeing around the fear of what is real and what isn't, what could be and what might be.

You came into my life in an airport in Taiwan, said you knew me, knew him, knew what I had been through. I crashed back into her: closed my eyes and could smell the Kools, feel the ache of the untreated impacted and infected tooth, the halter top pulling at my neck.

For the first time in 19 years I was not alone. You told me you knew. You told me your story and it was so like mine. As you shared, I noticed your laugh, the way you looked out the window when it was hard to find the words, the tears that came when all that had gone unvalidated finally was. Your kind heart, your quick laughter and your determination- I can see me in that, I see me reflected in the survival of you.

I hate that this happened to you too, I hate that you know how it feels when he enters the room, that you still look over your shoulder too. But I love that you found me, I love that we are not alone, I love that you are funny, smart, kind and because you are - I can see that I am too. Because I am so happy you are alive and you got away, I can say that I never allowed myself to appreciate that I did too.

Because you are so easy to love, I can go back and love her too. So I make my way back, lending from your own determination, back to the nicotine stained walls, back to the beautiful smart and funny girl waiting for me there - so I can bring her home.